Seeking after the wrong things

When we moved out here a couple months ago, I was imagining that we would live this total IG life.

I’d be a stay at home mom somehow, despite having plenty of bills to keep up with. And my husband would be a full-time student, maybe coaching CrossFit on the side if we found a good box that liked him, he’d continue to work at home depot making minimum wage…and things would just be fine and dandy.

But that wasn’t realistic and of course I needed to find a full time job that could provide for everything we need.

I am blessed enough to be educated, have a Bachelor’s Degree and experience. And sometimes it is very easy for me to get a good job. But it’s NOT easy being away from my kids and my home that needs to be a place of peace and love.

So why does this happen?

You have stressful financial needs…lots of children to be cared for…but certain seasons of your life that you THINK should be playing out in a different way, are being played out in a way that you may deem as inefficient, chaotic, “not the way it should be” and maybe you even think it could be unhealthy.

I’ve been dealing with jealousy during this time of our lives…and honestly a smidge (enormous) of embarrassment.

But why??

I should be proud and empowered that I am able to provide for my family. It is what we need and I’m stepping up. Why am I embarrassed that I can do that? And why do I feel shame for the fact that our season of life is not the same for other families’ seasons of life?

Do you fall in that trap sometimes?

I keep forgetting that my job does not define who I am. Just like being a mom does not define who I am. My job is a simple assignment that I am currently assigned to at this time. My identity is not defined by anything other than Jesus.

And man…do I forget that all the time.

It’s so hard to let that resonate in your soul. It is so hard to remind yourself of that daily. Every morning that I drop my kids off at daycare…every morning that I watch my kids step foot onto their school bus and feel shame…those are not my defining moments.

My defining moments come when I am walking back from the school bus stop praying for my children’s safety throughout their day. It is when I am acknowledging my lack of wisdom and praying for more of it. It is when I have a moment of humility because I realized how disrespectful I just was to my husband in my moment of frustration, and then understanding that I am forgiven no matter what and repenting for that moment of weakness. It is when we are trusting in the Lord that we need to leave everything that we are familiar with and accustomed to, to pick up and place ourselves where we know absolutely nothing and no one.

I am not defined by being a stay at home mom, or being a working mom. God does not judge me based on my placement of mothering. I am his daughter and I am loved. My children, who are His children, are under his protection whether I am home with them or not. And what is always so comforting is knowing that he has entrusted me with His children because He trusts me. I ask for wisdom and discernment so I can make decisions on their behalf and he gives it to me.

So, just because my life looks different than Jessica’s life on Instagram, it doesn’t mean that my life is less than her assignment. It means we are equally loved by our Creator and he has designed us so specifically and uniquely that it would be an insult if we needed to be the exact same just for the sake of being the same.

I don’t know the plans He has for Jessica on Instagram…but I know they are good and he has plans to prosper her life, just as he does for mine. You know why? Because I seek after the Kingdom of God and if you do that, all you need will be given to you. (Matthew 6:33).

The answer is not, “being a stay at home mom.” The answer is, “Are you seeking Him?”

And if you’re not, you need to start.